Facing the Holidays with Grief
The holidays can be the toughest time of the year for families who have lost a loved one. And if the loss is due to addiction, it can add a whole array of additional struggles such as shame, guilt, and regret - and possibly trying to cope with untreated trauma. As isolating as this complicated grief may feel, please remember that you are not alone and that sometimes the anticipation of the upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays is more difficult than the actual days themselves.
It is important to prepare ahead of time how you plan to manage the upcoming holidays and decide how you can best deal with the merriment that usually comes along with these gatherings. Memories of holidays past may also serve as painful reminders of the devastating loss in your life. Because frankly, you may not be feeling jolly or festive, and just getting through the upcoming days is the only thing on your mind.
Below are some suggestions on how to make the approaching holiday events seem more manageable:
· Be easy on yourself. There are going to be difficult days and overwhelming moments during this holiday season. It is okay to let yourself cry. And do not put too much pressure on yourself to be there for everyone else. Be sure to make time for yourself. And on the other side of this, remember, it is okay to feel some moments of joy or laughter.
· Make new traditions. Sometimes facing the holidays can be completely overwhelming – the sights, the sounds, the smells - may all bring back so many memories of your loved one who has passed. If the thought of all these memories flooding back at once becomes too paralyzing, know that it is okay to make new traditions. Maybe that means NOT putting up a Christmas tree. Maybe this means having the family gathering at a different location. And maybe you change up the traditional meal that day.
· Have a back-up plan. You may not know how you are going to feel until you are in the midst of a holiday event. Know that it is okay to leave early from a party, or not attend at all. Maybe it would be helpful to drive separately from others so that you can leave on your own if you feel it is necessary. If you typically host the holiday gathering, consider asking another relative or friend to take on that role this year.
· Take care of yourself. This should be obvious, but it is important remember to incorporate self-care into your daily routine. Be sure to exercise – whether it is a brisk walk outside or a yoga video - do something that will make your body feel better. Take five to ten minutes each day to meditate, read the bible or a daily devotional, or journal your feelings. Try your best to get an adequate amount of sleep, you might want to play relaxing music or a sleep meditation to help you fall asleep. Make sure you drink plenty of water and limit your alcohol intake as this may perpetuate your grief and sadness.
· Remember your loved one. It may be helpful in your healing process through the holidays to find some ways to remember your loved one that has passed away. You may invite your family and friends to send you letters and stories about your loved one. You could hang up a stocking that each family member can fill with a special memory to save. Set out your favorite photo of your missing loved one on your mantle or table and light a candle in their honor. Watching their favorite movie or listening to their favorite Christmas songs may be just what your heart needs that day.
· Pay It Forward. This can be a wonderful way to keep your loved one’s memory alive during the holidays. Volunteer your time in memory of your lost loved one at a local homeless shelter or spending time with rescue animals. “Adopt” a local child and help purchase Christmas gifts for them. Make several “blessing bags” to hand out to any homeless people you pass along your morning commute. Plan a day to take hot cocoa and snacks to a local tent city. You can also donate to a local charity in your loved one’s name.
· Seek help – This one is important. You are not alone in your grief. Consider joining a local grief support group - either in person or online. Hope United offers a grief support group specifically for families that have lost a loved one to addiction. The Well meets the 1st and 3rd Wednesday of each month. Visit our website to see our calendar for upcoming meeting times and dates. You may find it helpful to online Facebook group specifically for families grieving a loved one lost to addiction. Hope United has a private Facebook group called The Well where members can connect and support each other through their grief. You may also want to find a professional counselor who can help you process your grief in a healthy way. Hope United offers counseling for families who are grieving addiction loss. Our Counseling Director, Kathleen Mahoney, recently received her Compassionate Bereavement Care Certification® from the Center for Loss and Trauma.
Finally, remember that there will surely be an ebb and flow of various emotions during the holiday season. It can already be a stressful time and adding grief to the equation will only make things feel more overwhelming. Be patient with yourself and the emotions you may face each day. And most importantly, do what will make your heart find some comfort this holiday season.